In fact, often you think you know your partner very well, very deeply, only to discover with great disappointment that this person with whom you may have lived too long, you had a rather superficial knowledge, especially if it (but sometimes involving both members of the couple) unconsciously or maybe intentionally he communicated and acted with the express purpose of making known to your partner the best part of himself, hiding deliberately - not to appear undesirable or worse still vulnerable - that part of saying that you do not accept or intended to deliberately keep secret, or even unknown to themselves.
Such behavior would at least appear deceptive towards the other which would thus acquired partial and incomplete information on their party obtaining a personality profile very true, not true, and especially different from the reality as only partially corresponding to the real psycho-physical characteristics , relational and emotional subject. But who intentionally had put in place a similar strategy of communication and self-protective behavior and / or manipulative thinking to do well his "game", soon would be sorely disappointed by the results absolutely negative with which it could close the game to two. In fact, on one side of the scale there would be the disappointment of the partner "betrayed" by the poorly rewarded confidence, on the other a feeling even more serious: the humiliation of lying to themselves, with heavy losses in terms of self-esteem.
The following tips are common sense rules, which constitute only a basis for initiating a process of mutual and deep understanding, that while it is an excellent remedy to avoid the risk of being left to live a couple relationship as strangers, on the other it seems the best antidote to prevent the evils caused by the routine, boredom, apathy, also crucial to promote good interpersonal communication in the name of mutual respect, trust, happiness and well-being of the couple.
The Decalogue
1) Leave space for love:
always find during the day time and the way to tell your partner "I love you". It may seem trivial, but it's important to do it, of course on condition of hearing. Any way is fine (there are no limits to the imagination) can do with a flower, a caress, a kind thought, a phone, a surprise or small details that will make it clear to the person you love how important it is for you. After all it's the thought that counts!
2) Be consistent:
love goes above and shown not only declared. Behave in a manner consistent with the previous point is a strategy saves report crucial if you want to avoid creating contradictions between what is said in words and what is communicated with the facts and daily actions. Attention, tell your partner "I love you" and then not be present at important moments and in the decisions that count in the life of the couple, is to lie shamelessly. It may be useful at this point to recall the first axiom of communication that says ... "You can not communicate and everything communicates ... all behavior is communication and communication is behavior."
3) Communicate open and fair:
in situations of disagreement, contrast and / or conflict, it is important to deal peacefully and calmly listen, respect and empathy even the reasons and points of view without any prejudice, and especially with the full awareness that ' apparent victory of one over really amounts to the defeat of both. If possible, do not leave it more than 24 hours from any fight to try to solve the problem or to overcome as soon as the conflict situation. It 'good to remember, also, that the contrasts and conflicts, however, absolutely normal in a couple, can be a time of reflection, of greater knowledge of the other, comparison and, therefore, growth and evolution of the couple, but They can also become, as more often happens easily for lack of social intelligence, in a death trap for the relationship that threatens to empty of all feeling and be stifled by violent clashes directed to psychologically destroy the other. Therefore, when we find ourselves in situations of exasperated conflict it is important to ask whether you want to build a better relationship or you want to destroy what we have already built.
4) Acknowledge your mistakes:
sounds easy, but not everyone is able to recognize it because it was wrong it requires humility, courage and above all social and emotional intelligence. A socially competent and emotionally intelligent provides a foolproof strategy in three points: a) recognize their mistakes bluntly; b) sincere apology for the incident; c) undertake not to repeat the mistake. Couples who have done just that fundamental principle of interpersonal communication, have long life, those who prefer quiet dangerous games like "witch hunt", "hide behind a finger" and "the game in the massacre (it's all your fault ... ) "days are numbered, along with the certainty of suffering.
5) Learning to forgive:
love is also, and perhaps above all the ability to forgive. Forgiveness is an act of love that belongs to the people of generous heart. He who can not forgive, can not be said to know how to truly love. There are situations in which the pardon, in itself difficult to grant, is the only way out, to pay sometimes at great cost, but an investment is still more convenient if it is true love. Otherwise, denied forgiveness, we will certainly full of pride, but at the same time more empty inside waiting to be able to "lick" his narcissistic injury.
6) Give up perfectly:
remember that nobody is perfect is a golden rule often forgotten that, if closely-monitored, can avoid unnecessary tension, performance anxiety and stress in the couple. If we do not accept the limits of our partners or do not tolerate its flaws and imperfections, probably not love him enough, or maybe we (and because it is even more serious) a distorted view of love and childhood. This will also generate bitter conflicts in the report, but at that point should wonder about the underlying reasons for its choice and give answers consistent. In short, demand perfection in a relationship or your partner is like asking a horse to fly ... will never be able to do it! They should, instead, learn to accept their own limits and those of others and know how to be tolerant, especially for what we do not like in ourselves or in the person with whom you are resolved to share a life project. It is definitely not easy, but it is of great maturity and good inner balance.
7) Far prevail "sense of us":
It seems trite to say, but the couple has two people with needs, motivations, goals, interests, expectations and desires; and until the couple prevail personal interests and forms of selfishness, however expressed, does not go very far on the difficult path of emotional growth, love and happiness. This goal, that every couple wants to achieve, it is possible if both partners are able to immediately create that magical "feeling of us" that is a deep feeling, based on the sharing of everything that creates and reinforces an emotional bond, and which it is fed continuously over time.
But how to build a sense of us? First of all with the complicity, typical of couples very united, which pervades even the little things like rituals and all those pleasant moments emotionally engaging that mark the couple's relationship, and how to travel to holiday together, find themselves at the table, walking hand in hand, make love, have fun, enjoy the moments of intimacy, but also facing the inevitable difficulties of life together, the pain situations and moments of suffering, without forgetting the importance of having a common language to serve as a background to the couple's relationship , characterizing exclusively the evolutionary phases. This and much more is to create the sense of us, which of course also includes the important decisions to be taken together for the good of the couple, such as buying a home, work, raising children.
In short, the sense of us is a powerful antidote to stress emotional and relational life of the two, resulting in a "mutual trust", ie an emotional dimension that unites in spite of everything, and in which everyone feels protected by a reassuring and calming us , able to build mutual trust, which is essential to move forward, and to issue an extraordinary strength and energy that strengthen the bond deeply, making steel and invulnerable to daily hardships and problems of existence.
8) Power the passion:
the other is to desire and feel physically, sexually and emotionally attracted to the other, but at the same time making yourself a more desirable and attractive to their partner. Together intimacy and commitment, passion is a key element of the couple's relationship on which the relational stability; and perhaps it is also the most difficult to manage over time. And the difficulty is that the passion for nature is a factor that many consider to be tied exclusively to beauty, physical attraction, to the body and less to more intangible elements such as "charm" that is however a very important quality that a beautiful person is able to issue regardless of its age. To keep high the "flame" of the thing, then the couple needs to evolve even sexually and innovate to be able to be always up to expectations emotional, sexual and emotional partners. Many couples instead commit the fatal mistake of taking everything for granted on the affective and then recline, fall into the routine, thinking that now is no longer so important to be desirable and attractive in the eyes of their partner with whom perhaps you already live together years.
While aging outer beauty decreases and with it the physical performance and sexual exuberance, then it is also true that grow their own charm and inner beauty is an art that can be learned, which remains perhaps the only, real secret weapon to keep alive and involving a relationship that allows partners to grow together.
9) Create intimacy in the couple:
the tightness of a pair in time is directly proportional to the degree of intimacy that the partners are able to establish between them. Intimacy is an extraordinary bonding even stronger passion, but to work it needs to be continuously fed through a deep mutual trust and unconditional. Only on this basis can be completely the other, revealing their secrets, to expose your weaknesses or fears without fear of appearing weak, vulnerable or of being judged for their "erroneous zones".
The intimacy, the real one, requires above all courage and intellectual honesty to assert their identity, as well as the knowledge that it is never a starting point, but a point of arrival, a goal that is gained slowly, day by day in time. Intimacy is a summary of a highly distinctive element the stability of the couple, who will be more intimate and more will appear together and safe even in the eyes of others, thanks to quell'invidiabile sense of complicity that is both cause and effect of intimacy between two people who love each other.
10) Commit to the other:
It is absolutely the rule of common sense more difficult to follow in a couple's relationship. In fact, the commitment implies on the one hand taking responsibility for one's partner, specifically related to this role, the other the will and the desire not to disappoint in any situation maintaining appropriate behavior that ensures conditions of emotional balance and stability in the pair. More particularly, the term commitment has a valence holistic, embracing different dimensions of the relationship, all absolutely important, ranging from the relational, to the psychological, emotional and professional.
Commitment in terms of relational means first loyalty and respect for others; the psychological dimension commitment signifies the trust and support given to the partner to support him in his path of self-realization and personal growth; in the field of affective commitment implies the presence not only physical but emotional both in good times and in those difficult life; in the professional, finally, commitment to its partners is expressed with the willingness to search together for occasions and opportunities that foster its success in the workplace, perhaps through a more effective strategy to enhance its personal resources, which also has the to improve his self-esteem. But why is it so difficult to commit to each other? Perhaps because the commitment requires sacrifice, sacrifice, ability to give himself without expecting anything in return, use of personal resources in favor of others, altruism or better yet selflessness, dedication. In a word "love", a really great feeling, able to collect itself in all these things that only those who truly love can find quite naturally in his behavioral repertoire
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